I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY

Yes! It's not a book title! There are my own words: I choose to be happy! Some might say: yeah...right... easy to say...but... . And there's always a "but". Of course you can always choose to postpone and there's always a condition. I was there. I know how it feels.
There was a time when I promised myself I will be pleased after high-school and after I will be admitted by the college I wanted to attend to. That didn’t happen right away so I was many years so unhappy. I also promised myself that I will be happy when I’ll find my soul mate and have my own family. Was I happy?! Of course, but only for a short time - a year or two – until we had the first argument, and after that the second. I was telling to myself: must be the money and when we’ll have no money shortage and our home we’ll be in peace and happy. That happened too and guess what?! It wasn’t enough! Nothing has changed. My peacefulness and happiness were far away because they had always depend on things from outside of me - variable things. 

Let's take it one at a time: I graduated the high-school and I've tried four times at the college without any success. Not only I wasn't happy, I was miserable because I wasn't doing it for me, I was doing it for my parents, for making them proud, to demonstrate I am somebody and I have a value. For failing that I felt such a loser. I found myself a job not to be a burden for my parents. My preparation for college exams were

pretty expensive and I couldn't stand the simple thought of not helping them. I was unhappy because I wanted more and more and more... I wanted to prove that I am somebody, I wanted to prove that I ain't nobody. I started to blame my parents for

failing and in the same time I was afraid to let them down. I've always considered they had set higher standards for me. They couldn't possibly understand me.

I wanted somebody to understand me, a "he" to live happily ever and after with, to cherish and to love me. No relationship worked out. I already had an opinion about relationships: all sucks. And men.... oooh! Men were incapable of loving. And guess what kind of men I found! Only this kind!

At a given moment appeared a man a little bit different from others and I made him responsible with my happiness. I was wrong this time too. 

Something was missing. I wasn't happy. I kept my sadness for myself, blaming myself for choosing wrong: "You chose! It's your fault, you deal with consequences! You have no right to cry!" 

Here I started to carry my cross. I was keeping deep inside of me each discontent, each reproach I was about to launch,  being afraid not to upset the man I was living with. And this was not enough because I was letting him to treat me bad and I wasn't fighting back because I thought I somehow deserve it. I suck it all like a sponge, but one day the sponge couldn't take no more and I said "Enough is enough!" and I fought back suddenly. 

I said to myself "I don't want to walk this path no more". My reaction was a surprise to all people close to me. They thought I was happy. They knew my mask, my mask of joy and funny jokes, and getting along with everybody.

I chose another way, another path, and I left the man I shared my life with for some time knowing that alone will be better.

It was more quiet and without fighting but I wasn't happy. I started to blame myself for my bad decisions and for all these lost in vain years. Instead of peace I was full of hate, more and more hate. And this wasn't the worse scenario because my attitude influenced my relationships everywhere.

I started to ask myself some questions: can a human being can be truly happy on this planet?! Is happiness an utopia? Is there love and happiness only in books and movies? Why in the world have I was brought to life? 

Inside of me was a huge tornado, a hurricane of thoughts and doubts. I was depressed, full of hate and feeling helpless. I had some panic attacks. I had no idea of who I am.

Then I met an angel in human body. Her name is Nico and she's a self help coach. She was so patient with me and showed me such much love and understanding and helped me find answers to my questions. 

I've learned to find the good part from each experience, even that we consider bad experiences. I started to be grateful that things had happened the way they had, and the big picture is I am who I am because of all of these experiences. 

Because of that I chose to be happy here and now, not tomorrow, not when I'll get my home back, not when I'll have a car, not when I'll have the driver's licence, not when I'll get a rise at work, not when I'll get rid of debts, not when I'll find my soul mate but HERE AND NOW!

I am happy for each morning I wake up. I look outside the window and I feel lucky I live in a world so complex, a world that can teach me so many extraordinary things. I am happy I have friends that care about me. I am happy I can go to work every day. I am lucky having a great team at work. I am happy I can do whatever I like, and I feel free. I enjoy every leaf, flower, cloud, rain drop, sunbeam, smile, tear. I stumble and then I rise again. I have no useless worries. I am not afraid of tomorrow anymore because this is the real life.

I am happy here and now because I can see, I can hear, I can smell, I can taste, I can feel, I can love and because I am loved.